Jurassic Punk

I have it on no authority whatsoever that the next big Hollywood blockbuster is a family comedy entitled "Jurassic Punk." It's the story of a young boy aged 10-12, named Christian, who, while working on a school science project about dinosaurs, uncovers the bones of a velociraptor in his backyard. One night when he's sleeping, something magical happens (not quite sure what exactly, but it's a family movie, so who cares) and the bones transform into a live dinosaur. When Christian wakes up, the dinosaur is sleeping in his room. After briefly being startled, Christian quickly accepts the dinosaur's existence, and befriends him. Also, it should be noted that the dinosaur talks. This will not be explained in any way, just assume it is also magic.

Christian needs to get to school, but he doesn't want to leave his new dinosaur friend home alone, so he thinks up an ingenious plan to dress the dinosaur up as a person. Now, Christian is a big fan of punk rock music (hence the title) so he dresses the raptor up as a punk, complete with stereotypical mohawk (magic!) and a leather jacket with a bunch of crappy band patches on it. I haven't been given confirmation yet, but the rumor is that Blink-182 is doing the soundtrack, so expect to see some Blink-182 patches on the raptor's jacket.

The next scene takes place at Christian's school where we find out that he is a loser who constantly gets bullied and made fun of by some kids who are suppose to be 12, but are played by guys in their 20's. During recess there is a scene where the raptor saves Christian from being beat up, and the dinosaur and the boy end up getting detention. During detention, they meet another boy named Timmy who convinces the pair to join his punk rock band.

After a bunch of other crap happens, we get to see a montage of the band practicing. At first the raptor is playing guitar, but when it is humorously pointed out that he cannot manipulate the instrument effectively, the band decides to have him play drums. The band eventually becomes really good, and they sign up to play in the school talent show. The boys find out that a special guest will be hosting the event, and a rumor spreads throughout the school that Blink-182 is that special guest.

However, disaster strikes when an evil paleontologist hears about the raptor, and one night he kidnaps the dinosaur and puts him on display in a museum. Christian and Timmy sneak into the museum with the help of a friendly old security guard named Sal. As they are unlocking the raptor from his cage, the evil paleontologist turns on the museum lights and catches them. But then Sal appears out of nowhere and arrests the paleontologist for breaking into the museum, and the boys and the raptor escape.

While the boys and the raptor are happy to have escaped, the raptor expresses some regret. He says that while he was afraid of the evil paleontologist, he did enjoy being in the museum, surrounded by model dinosaurs. Christian realizes that the raptor is lonely and misses his old dinosaur friends. The three friends talk and decide that after the talent show, the raptor will have to return to the Jurassic age. I believe that a time machine is involved here, but I don't want to speculate too much.

Finally the day of the big talent show arrives. The band plays some really watered down punk music and the crowd goes wild. They are so good in fact, that not only do they get first place, but Blink-182 joins them on stage to play a set. The movie ends with a computer animated Blink-182 concert, except the raptor is playing drums in the band, the boy is playing guitar, and the bullies are in the crowd cheering.

Casting: Christian is played by the fat kid from "Two and Half Men." The Raptor is computer generated, and Nicolas Cage provides the voice. Bob Newhart is playing Sal, the friendly security guard, and the evil paleontologist is masterfully portrayed by Jamie Kennedy. Christian's friend and band mate Timmy is played by the director's son.

Expected box office take: 210 million dollars. Though the movie is not even in theaters yet, I can safely say that a direct-to-dvd sequel will be coming out by the end of the year, except this time the main character is a girl, and the dinosaur is a triceratops that plays a kazoo for some reason.

There you have it, the feel good hit of Summer 2008. I'll be back tomorrow to unveil another Summer 2008 release.