Ignorant America

It's easy enough to predict the next over-budgeted, under-written film that the big Hollywood studios will be pumping out, so today I am going to step out on a limb and bring you a future documentary. The title of the film is "Ignorant America," and it will be directed by some guy with a beard who wears a beret. Narrated by some big shot actor who hasn't stepped inside a grocery store in 7 years, "Ignorant America" will be a scathing critique on American society, and show viewers how everyone who lives here is ignorant and uncultured.

The film starts with a view of an American flag waving boldly in the wind as the National Anthem plays. Then, without warning, the music screeches to a halt, and we see a Nascar race full of shirtless Rednecks drinking beer and cheering for cars going around in circles. Then an anti-American song sung by some crappy Indie band that anyone reading this isn't cool enough to listen to will start playing as the title screen comes up, complete with wacky lettering for "Ignorant America" so the viewers will clearly be able to see how dumb everyone who lives here is.

The movie then progresses through interviews with condescending college professors mixed with interviews with poor people with no education, as we are given the impression that most Americans are uneducated rednecks. The college professors will lament the deterioration of American society and popular culture, while the poor white trash will be desperately baited into talking about how much they love America and hate France. The narrator will poke fun at the poor folk, while blasting the American government and big business. He will later be paid $5,000,000 for his next role in a movie where he plays a lawyer who fights the good fight for the common man.

One of the other interviewees is a child psychologist who will tell us that one reason Americans are so dumb nowadays is that videogames have damaged children's mental and physical development. Children who play videogames are isolated and fat. She will say that perhaps children would be a little more intelligent and in a little better shape if they read books instead, as everyone knows sitting down to play a videogame makes you fat, but reading a book builds strong muscles, and helps you interact with others. She will specifically blame some game that came out 13 years ago that none of today's children have ever heard of as being the source of society's greatest ills.

Now, we all know all Americans are ignorant pigs who love guns and hate gays, but did you know that while most Americans are poor and uneducated, America is also evil because it is the richest nation in the world? You see, while other well-to-do nations have created their wealth through giant corporations, only in America are these corporations evil. "Ignorant America" will highlight this fact by showing evil American corporations outsourcing jobs to poorer countries. None of these poor foreigners will be interviewed because their opinions do not matter to the director. However, it is important to remember that Americans are arrogant and don't care about people in other countries.

The final scene will decry the downfall of the middle class and discuss how terrible it is that good, honest, blue collar American workers have it so rough today. The workers will then be ridiculed further for being poor and uneducated.


Unintentional Irony Level: Off the charts.

Expected Box Office Take: "Oh my God, you people haven't seen 'Ignorant America?' Well, what should I expect? I'm the only one in this family who's enlightened enough to appreciate it anyway."

To Tune A Heart

Thank God that terrible writer's strike is over. Now we can look forward to fantastic Hollywood movie releases such as this summer's romantic hit, "To Tune A Heart." Brian Cox stars as a lonely piano tuner who falls in love with a young customer of his, a beautiful concert pianist played by Scarlett Johansson. At first, Cox's character (probably named something like Richard) is afraid to show his feelings being that he's at least 40 years older than Scarlett Johansson's character, Victoria. Richard comes and goes each month without saying a word to Victoria. Eventually though, he witnesses Victoria's alcoholic father beating her for not playing a song well enough. Richard steps in and attempts to stop Victoria's father (played by the guy who played the bad guy in The Matrix) from hurting her. However, the guy from The Matrix gets violent with Richard, and Richard must defend himself with his trusty piano tuning instrument. During a sprawl between the two old men's body doubles, the alcoholic father falls on top of the piano tuning instrument and dies. Richard apologizes to Victoria, but she says she is grateful. They then realize that they must run away to avoid either the police arresting Richard, or the mafia. The father has some mafia ties somehow. It will be loosely explained right after he dies.

Richard and Victoria run away to Victoria's mother's house in the country. Oh, by the way, this is a period piece. It takes place in England in some century before electricity; not really important which century, just know that the costumes are to die for. Anyway, when in the country, we will get to witness the Oscar winning scene where Victoria's mother questions why Victoria has run away with an old man, and Victoria answers, "I don't know... I believe... my heart was once out of tune, and now... I hear the music of love clearly." You will be seeing that in the trailer, I promise.

The movie then goes back into the city when the King's piano goes wildly out of tune, and Richard is called in to fix the problem. While there, Richard hears the King's personal musician play, and casually mentions to the King that he knows a pianist that is much better, and he can have her perform for the King tomorrow. The King is intrigued, and has Victoria play a set for him. Victoria does a fantastic job, and eventually she has to perform for the King's daughter's wedding. The King goes all out for the wedding performance, and brings in the world's oldest and rarest Arabic piano from some country that no longer exists. There's one problem though, the piano is so old that it appears to be untunable. Don't worry though, movie lovers, Richard saves the day and tunes the piano just in time for the wedding. Everything goes perfectly, and Richard and Victoria become famous and get to live in the castle for the rest of their years. It's an emotional ending, to be sure.

Expected Box Office Take: 8 million dollars. Scarlett Johansson will bring in younger viewers, and Brian Cox will scare them away.

Soundtrack: Provided by some 40 year old pale woman with really long hair from some crappy European country.

I'll be back with another movie prediction later this week.

Jurassic Punk

I have it on no authority whatsoever that the next big Hollywood blockbuster is a family comedy entitled "Jurassic Punk." It's the story of a young boy aged 10-12, named Christian, who, while working on a school science project about dinosaurs, uncovers the bones of a velociraptor in his backyard. One night when he's sleeping, something magical happens (not quite sure what exactly, but it's a family movie, so who cares) and the bones transform into a live dinosaur. When Christian wakes up, the dinosaur is sleeping in his room. After briefly being startled, Christian quickly accepts the dinosaur's existence, and befriends him. Also, it should be noted that the dinosaur talks. This will not be explained in any way, just assume it is also magic.

Christian needs to get to school, but he doesn't want to leave his new dinosaur friend home alone, so he thinks up an ingenious plan to dress the dinosaur up as a person. Now, Christian is a big fan of punk rock music (hence the title) so he dresses the raptor up as a punk, complete with stereotypical mohawk (magic!) and a leather jacket with a bunch of crappy band patches on it. I haven't been given confirmation yet, but the rumor is that Blink-182 is doing the soundtrack, so expect to see some Blink-182 patches on the raptor's jacket.

The next scene takes place at Christian's school where we find out that he is a loser who constantly gets bullied and made fun of by some kids who are suppose to be 12, but are played by guys in their 20's. During recess there is a scene where the raptor saves Christian from being beat up, and the dinosaur and the boy end up getting detention. During detention, they meet another boy named Timmy who convinces the pair to join his punk rock band.

After a bunch of other crap happens, we get to see a montage of the band practicing. At first the raptor is playing guitar, but when it is humorously pointed out that he cannot manipulate the instrument effectively, the band decides to have him play drums. The band eventually becomes really good, and they sign up to play in the school talent show. The boys find out that a special guest will be hosting the event, and a rumor spreads throughout the school that Blink-182 is that special guest.

However, disaster strikes when an evil paleontologist hears about the raptor, and one night he kidnaps the dinosaur and puts him on display in a museum. Christian and Timmy sneak into the museum with the help of a friendly old security guard named Sal. As they are unlocking the raptor from his cage, the evil paleontologist turns on the museum lights and catches them. But then Sal appears out of nowhere and arrests the paleontologist for breaking into the museum, and the boys and the raptor escape.

While the boys and the raptor are happy to have escaped, the raptor expresses some regret. He says that while he was afraid of the evil paleontologist, he did enjoy being in the museum, surrounded by model dinosaurs. Christian realizes that the raptor is lonely and misses his old dinosaur friends. The three friends talk and decide that after the talent show, the raptor will have to return to the Jurassic age. I believe that a time machine is involved here, but I don't want to speculate too much.

Finally the day of the big talent show arrives. The band plays some really watered down punk music and the crowd goes wild. They are so good in fact, that not only do they get first place, but Blink-182 joins them on stage to play a set. The movie ends with a computer animated Blink-182 concert, except the raptor is playing drums in the band, the boy is playing guitar, and the bullies are in the crowd cheering.

Casting: Christian is played by the fat kid from "Two and Half Men." The Raptor is computer generated, and Nicolas Cage provides the voice. Bob Newhart is playing Sal, the friendly security guard, and the evil paleontologist is masterfully portrayed by Jamie Kennedy. Christian's friend and band mate Timmy is played by the director's son.

Expected box office take: 210 million dollars. Though the movie is not even in theaters yet, I can safely say that a direct-to-dvd sequel will be coming out by the end of the year, except this time the main character is a girl, and the dinosaur is a triceratops that plays a kazoo for some reason.

There you have it, the feel good hit of Summer 2008. I'll be back tomorrow to unveil another Summer 2008 release.